Monday, April 13, 2009

You’re Screwed if you do; You’re Screwed if you don’t!


You’re Screwed if you do; You’re Screwed if you don’t!


Wow what a day!  This may be my last posting if all goes well.  Today I received notification that I have won The Irish Sweepstakes…$2 million American dollars.  And that was just the beginning of today’s run of luck.


I also won $250,000 in a Microsoft Email address drawing.  It’s about time I got something from them other the hemorrhoidal pain they give me with all of their screwed up Vistas updates.  I had all but forgotten about that old address.  I guess I should reactivate it, but I just don’t feel like going through all that verification code gibberish.  I have to take my glasses off for that crap and still, it takes two or three times before I get one that makes sense, and besides I have more good news.


This must have “drawing day” for everyone because no sooner had I finished reading of my good fortune with Microsoft; I received a notification from Yahoo that I had won a prize in their email drawing…$375,000…wow; it’s adding up fast…$2,625,000 and it was only mid afternoon.


The next one really baffled me.  A diamond broker in Kenya sent notification that the DeBeers Company wanted to enter into negotiations with me for a huge block of stock that my deceased Grandfather owned in a very profitable diamond mine, and that it had taken years to locate me as the legitimate heir to that stock.  I said baffled, because my beloved Irish Carpenter Grandfather never impressed me as a man of high finance.


He hid money from my Grand Mother in an old Prince Albert Pipe Tobacco tin.  That thing was rusted with age and had nary a speck of paint left on from rubbing around in the old jacket he kept in down in his cellar.  Grandma was damned if she was going to ever go down in that cob webby place.  He had a an old double layer cigar box down there where he stored his pocket knives on the top shelf and his serious folding money was hidden in the bottom layer.


I just couldn’t figure where he got enough to buy diamond mine stock.  Hell he made more on Saturday night drinking and card playing down at Perfetto’s Bar.  He was a helluva card dealing cheat.  We’d pick him up every Sunday morning on the way to church.  He smelled of whiskey and he always had lots of money sticking out of every pocket.   My mother would go through her weekly ritual lecture, to which he would reply with some variation…”Daughter the Priest, he’ll not be asking where me money in his plate came from and I’ll sit in the back of the church.”  Always the same little skit; but maybe there was more money in his pockets than I could imagine as a youngster, and he’d been cheating the best of them for damn near 50 years.  I guess it could add up. I’ve got some information I need to send before I find out how much my share of the diamond mine is worth to DeBeers.


But I got diverted from all that when a nice lady, the widow of Nigerian Doctor contacted me with a helluva deal.  She needs help in protecting her husband’s fortune from her government and she needs to get the money out of the country.  She found me to a man of integrity on my blog and will give me $450,000 of the cash if I will allow her to deposit it temporarily in my State-side bank account.  That would make things $3,075,000 without the DeBeers settlement.


I can tell my pulse rate was a bit faster today…wow!  And it wasn’t over yet.  I got two back to back communications from Germany.  The first was notification that as the oldest living male my family line that Zurich National Bank had located me and that there was a need to discuss my wishes as regards 47 bars of gold that my German Grandparents had stashed there in 1937.  Smart folks; they saw Hitler coming. The second concerned my father and some stock papers from the German Mauser Arms Works worth a great deal to collectors, and the need for me to arrange for their mailing and marketing.  I don’t know what all that German loot is worth yet…maybe tomorrow.


Then the block buster came.  A Cayman Island Bank that I know to be of a bit shady character provided information that my father had sent weekly checks to account there for 30 years and that the account was now worth $2,250,000.  Now that’s not too hard to swallow.  My old man was forever making money outside of the spring factory and squirreling it away.  When he died we found money hidden everywhere; in the attic, the basement, wrapped and frozen in a big frozen food freezer, in the garage in empty paint cans.  You name it; there was cash everywhere.


Mercy what a day; let’s see that’s $5,325,000 without the DeBeers settlement of Mauser stock certificates.  I can hardly type. 


I pursued some of this by email and things started to become complicated.  First, it seems that it would be advisable to have multiple bank accounts into which to disperse my new found wealth and I have only one.  OK, I can make a withdrawal and set up some accounts except with the way things are I don’t know what banks I trust! 


Then I had to make a list of things I would need to complete all these transactions and I had to go digging to find some of the stuff.


I think this covers it all:

1) My Grandmother’s maiden name

2) My Mother’s Maiden Name

3) My Name…that was easy

4) My address

5) My telephone numbers, land line and cell

6) My email addresses…damn that’s a lot of typing

7) My Bank Account(s) numbers

8) A copy of my Birth Certificate

9) A copy and the code number on my driver’s license

10) My passport

11) 10 character references, name, address, etc….

12) My current income, and

13) Current net worth.


That’s a lot of stuff man!  But I got it all together and then something didn’t seem right.


I received notification that someone was tampering with my Bank of America account and that I needed to change my password.  I don’t have a Bank of America Account!


I got the same type of notice about my EBay account.  I don’t have one of those either.


And finally the dawn broke when my American Express Card was perhaps misused and the subject of identity theft.  Now that’s just not possible.  I don’t own that card; never have; never will!


Was it possible that in multi-tasking for this blog and in the fog of the late night and early morning hours that I had somehow turned off my spam filters or today’s updates had screwed things up on this end; Time for a little detective work.


Ah Hah!  Lavasoft’s Ad-Aware Icon isn’t in the program tray.  It’s turned off.  Not good, not good.  Yep Yahoo spam filter is off, though it really isn’t worth a damn.  Google Gmail was just fine.  That thing is like a fortress.  Firefox, screwed up, Chrome screwed up; so I fixed them all and sadly I examined the list of banks where I was prepared to borrow the total of $250,000 tomorrow to pull this all off. 


Well; it’s true; you’re screwed if you do and you’re screwed if you don’t!

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