Saturday, May 23, 2009

Kermit Felled By Swine Flu Piggy Arrested And Quarantined

Washington- Mysterious circumstances surrounding the death of American Icon Kermit the Frog have lead to the arrest and Solitary Confinement quarantine in Federal Prison in Alexandria Virginia of “Miss Pigathius "Piggy" Lee” better known by her alias “Miss Piggy”.

Friday night police were called to investigate an apparent homicide that had taken place under a Virginia Bridge often utilized by the homeless.  Upon arriving they found the dead body of Kermit the Frog and a white- gloved “Miss Piggy” clutching what turned out to be a fist full of alleged “Love Letters” from the deceased and her Pink Cell phone from which the anonymous call to police was made.

Preliminary medical investigation reports leaked to this reporter indicate the cause of death as “Swine Flu”. The police seem to be leaning in the direction of a “deliberate” infection of Kermit by “Miss Piggy” as charges filed at this time, subject to additional amendment, included “wreck less endangerment with intent to harm”.

We were able to secure a short interview with Miss Piggy before she created a scene at the local police precinct, was charged with resisting arrest, creating a public disturbance and assault of a police officer.  Shortly thereafter agents of the FBI and The Department Of Homeland Security arrived on the scene and she was transferred to the federal detention facility. 

You must know our interview was cut short before that point by the arrival of her Attorneys who unceremoniously told me to get the hell out and for her to shut her big yap for once! She is represented by the Dubious (Often Investigated) Firm of: Grouch, Rizzo, Ratenstein and Garbaggio.

What this reporter did manage to gather is as follows: Miss Piggy alleges that Kermit failed to return home last night at the usual time and that she became concerned and went in search of him. When I queried her about locating his body under a bridge not fit for man nor beast after sunset; the aging hog indicated that Kermit had recently taken up the cause of the homeless and frequently made night time deliveries of food, drink and cigarettes to those “unfortunate creatures”. 

Subsequently when I relayed that information and quote to other Muppet members; I have to report that the must polite and printable response I received was: “What the “F” is that old skank talking about; that’s absolute bullshit!”    

Queried about her garb and white gloves her response was that she was all dressed up for an evening out with Kermit and that in no way were her gloves being worn to cover-up any finger prints.  Did I ask or say anything about finger prints…NO.

When I asked about the possibility that Kermit had contracted “Swine Flu” from her; her face went red with rage and all I could see while trying to protect my ear drums from a classic Piggy Squeal was that big mouth and flaring nostril snout…not a pretty picture.

She volunteered that she had a “couple of weeks of sniffling, coughing, hacking, drainage, gagging, and prolonged bouts of sneezing which she attributed to “Spring Time Allergies”.

She made it as clear as her demented rage would allow that she was a “Clean Pig”, an important prominent star personage, that she took good care of herself and would wring my scrawny neck if I even implied by way of questioning again that she had been ill.

When I mentioned the “Love Letters” on her person and the somewhat strange affect of conduct carrying them around in the dark; I was told that, that was none of my damned business.

When I finally got the old Porker to settle down a bit; I initiated a discussion of just how Kermit might have contracted “Swine Flu”.  I was careful to avoid all implications of my previous questions and her screwed up face let me know that if I went there again I would be sorry for having done so.

And boy did she ever launch into tirade.

“I Believe That Old Wrinkled Up Blue Pill Viagra Popping Cheat Was Screwing Some Other Back Alley Fat Slut Sow And Got Exactly What He Deserved!”

I asked her if: “After all these years, wasn’t she going to miss Kermit terribly?”  Her response…No; that slimy green creep was cheating on me and damn it I she have all of my figure and there is a lot good young stud stuff hopping around after dark along the banks of The Potomac that I can bag.  What a remorseless Bitch I thought. I began to wonder about the DC area.  What the hell is it with women with last names beginning with the letter “P”, like Pelosi and Piggy.  They all seem to be Prima Donna, arrogant big mouthed Bitches and Porkers?

Trying to wrap this up to get to press I stopped at the office of Grouch, Rizzo, Ratenstein and Garbaggio to get their take on the whole mess. There position: “We’ll have her out of there in no time.  You know that old expression that you can get a Grand Jury to indict a Ham Sandwich; not this time.  They don’t have any proof of motive, no finger prints, no witnesses and no blood test at this time would show that the Old Porker” had a new case of the Swine Flu.  

(NEW! I thought.) 

Besides which no one ever convicts, let alone prosecutes Celebrities in America anymore unless their caught on camera, and even then; look at Bush and Cheney and that bunch.   They admit to everything on a daily basis and…nothing.  We’re not worried.  I just finished my opening statement to the Grand Jury if we need it and it reads: “The states case is a pile of shit that smells worse than and pig pen ever did. They got nothing, nothing I say; it’s just a frame up trying to get a high profile trial on TV.

In closing I just called the Federal Detention Facility and they tell me that the Fat old hog is just ranting and raving away, talking and yelling out loud to herself in solitary confinement.  

Nothing changes.

But If They Are Wrong; What Is The Likely Outcome In Virginia. Clue: This Is The Home Of Smithfield Ham, And If Convicted And Sentenced; Beware Of  Fatty, Thick Sliced Bacon.

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